So last week I posted Just another benefits scrounger upon discovering I hadn’t been paid and was still waiting for my housing benefit and discretionary housing payments applications to be processed.
I ended up spending most of that day crying, going to darker places than I ever knew I could and being terrified by it all. I never want to revisit but it’s hard keeping your nose above the water line when things get so bleak. A lot of it is sort of my own fault, or at least the illnesses fault and that makes it all the more frustrating. I’m powerless. I have few places to turn.
A bright shining light walks with me through all of this and it’s my best friend, who has become my family in the absence of the real thing. She stepped in and lent me enough money to keep a roof over my head. But of course I have to pay that back and the longer I don’t pay it back the worse I feel and so the problem of keeping my nose from dipping below the water line and me drowning arises again.
Today, in desperation and with no shame left I started a Crowdfunding page. It would be nothing short of a miracle if I raise even close to enough to get me out of this immediate hole but you don’t know unless you try right? I can feel those judging me for going this route. Basically begging. But if I do lose my home that’s exactly what I’d have to resort to but I fear things would get so dark without my home and my cats, the things saving my sanity, that I would become just another statistic.
I don’t like who I am at the moment and I hate even more the desperate measures I have to try and take so judge me all you want, no-one is judging me more harshly than myself.
Attention Seeking Survivor 